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The Nightmare: Prime San Antonio vs. Golden State Monstars

Jun 15, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs pose for a photo with the Larry O'Brien trophy after the game against the Miami Heat in game five of the 2014 NBA Finals at AT&T Center. The Spurs defeated the Heat 104-87 to win the NBA Finals. Mandatory Credit: Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports

Jun 15, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs pose for a photo with the Larry O'Brien trophy after the game against the Miami Heat in game five of the 2014 NBA Finals at AT&T Center. The Spurs defeated the Heat 104-87 to win the NBA Finals. Mandatory Credit: Soobum Im-USA TODAY Sports

The Golden State Warriors just turned basketball into a game of 2k. Think about it. It’s like they just bought the game, and got really mad after they lost to Cleveland in a quick match. So instead of playing weaker teams and polishing their virtual skills, they just hopped over to OKC’s roster and stole their best player. Sure they had to lose Barnes, Ezeli, and Bogut to make room, but this is Kevin Durant we’re talking about. Sadly, this isn’t a game of 2k, or NBA Jam, or the Twilight Zone. More like Space Jam. So from now on the Silicon Valley Warriors will be known as the Oakland Monstars. Maybe they aren’t siphoning the talent of the league’s superstars, but snagging KD is just as heinous.

So who can stand in the Oakland Monstars way? Should LeBron James and his brotherhood of perennial All-Stars band together like the Avengers and vanquish the NBA’s newfound villain? Maybe. That’s for another article, though. So just keep listening, this is going to get good.

For years now the Spurs have battled father time. Manu Ginobili has announced he’ll return for another year, despite nearing his 39th birthday. Tony Parker we’ll continue to operate as the team's point guard at age 34. Meanwhile, Tim Duncan is reportedly leaning towards retirement (via The Vertical’s Adrian Wojnarowski). The decision comes as no surprise, considering Old Man River Walk is literally starting to live up to the name. He’s 40, which in sports years is like 90 -- or something like that, there isn’t exactly a proven formula like human-to-dog years. So the Spurs response is simple, replace Duncan with another seasoned veteran and former champion in Pau Gasol. Quite frankly Duncan made little to-no-impact against the Oklahoma City Thunder last season, so I think signing Pau Gasol is a great move. But, let’s imagine an alternative to signing Pau Gasol, one just as unbelievable as Kevin Durant taking his talents to the Bay area.

Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon searched for the mythical fountain of youth in modern day Florida after Native Americans told him of the legend. Alas it was never located. But, now after five centuries the fountain of youth has been discovered by none other than Gregg Popovich in San Antonio, Texas. The Native Americans were a little off, but hey, the Basketball Gods have to do something about this right?

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So now instead of signing Pau Gasol, the Spurs have a new weapon to counter the Oakland Monstars. A team comprised of old men, ready to have their youth restored. Tim Duncan doesn’t have to retire anymore [sorry Kobe]!.

In all seriousness, though, imagine a Spurs team where all of the players have their prime’s restored? Tony Parker running the floor. Manu Ginobili reigning three’s and slashing defenses with his vicious euro-step. LaMarcus Aldridge still right at his apex, spacing the floor as the Spurs stretch-four. Even throw in Andre Miller and Kevin Martin, returning to anchor the Spurs second unit. We all know who the real benefactor of the fountain would be, though. Tim Duncan, no longer forced to consider retirement. Instead, he would be the league’s premier big men, anchoring the Spurs both offensively and defensively. What could Tim not do in his prime? Jack up ten good shots and twenty bad ones? Break apart championship caliber teams? Fight with his coaches? Sell overpriced shoes?

Long story short, the Spurs would be loaded. Because, that list of players doesn’t even include Danny Green and Kawhi Leonard, who just finished second in MVP voting. Just think about that roster. Two of the ten best players in the world, another "top twenty" players, plus two All-Stars and three great players to anchor the bench. That’s marvelous, poised to challenge the Oakland Monstars. Can they win? 

Well after one-hundred mental simulations, factoring in every possible confounding variable, the results are inclusive. Probably because I’m a writer and not a computer. Possibly because the fountain of youth doesn’t exist [don ’t tell Phil Jackson that]. And, hopefully, because the Oakland Monstars don’t exist at all. Yes. Yes! This is all just a bad dream, and when I wake up Kevin Durant will have signed with Boston Celtics. No? The NBA really has become a game of 2k? In the great words of Shaquille O’Neal.

“Help me, Underdog!”