I am the savior of mankind. I am the vindicator of the human race. My name will go down in history as the one who leads us to the promised land, established world peace and ended hunger and poverty all over the globe.
Now I can hear you saying, “you know what? This guy is pretty arrogant. Who the hell does he think he is? What has he done to proclaim himself our champion?” Well, I have the answer to one of the humankind’s greatest problems.
I know how to solve the world’s energy problem.
I have created a system that will supply a constant source of energy so that the advancement of humanity can continue forever. What is this incredible system? Very simply, we get the hardest working players in NBA history, put them all in a gym together and tell them that the last one to leave the gym is the greatest player ever. We then hook each player up with a device that siphons energy from them as they move.
The guys we are dealing with are so focused and determined not to be the last one to leave that the combination of their egos would create a paradox where they simply stay in the gym forever, continually working out.
“But, you know, what about death?” That doesn’t matter to these people. The Grim Reaper would just sit back, crack open a beer and enjoy watching these dudes ball.
You may now thank me and start the construction of all the many statues that you will undoubtedly want to create in my honor. I’m thinking at least 3 outside the Staples Center, at least 1 on top of the Empire State Building and I want a fountain with my face as the top right in the middle of Madison Square Garden. At least then Knicks fans would have something interesting to watch.
But who are these players that are the cogs in this world-saving machine? These are some of the biggest names in NBA history who will go down, along with me of course, as part of the team that leads the human race into its golden age.
Charles Barkley - 10 minutes
Barkley will eat 12 donuts and throw in some jokes while wishing luck for every player in the gym. After that, he will go to finish another 12 donuts while watching to see who will survive in the gym the longest.
Shaquille O’Neal - 23 minutes
I love me some Shaq Diesel but there’s no way he’d be staying a long time in the gym. He was known for being lazy and not staying in shape which is why he was an All-Time great, and not the greatest which he could have been.
Shaq would probably turn up with some music and food and invite everyone out for a party at his place. Don’t get me wrong, I’d go in a heartbeat and boogie with Shaq and co, but the players we need to save the world are an entirely different breed.
Kwame Brown - Never went anyways
You think I was done fooling you? HAHAHAHA!!!! Think again.
This guy might be the biggest draft bust in NBA history. Selected 1st overall in the 2001 NBA draft, Kwame had a lot of potentials, but ultimately he was about as useful as JaVale McGee dribbling the basketball.
12. Magic Johnson - 3 Hours
Although he sadly had to retire at 31 with many productive years still left in him, Magic was one of the hardest working players we’ve ever seen in the NBA. His competitive drive lead him to 5 NBA titles, 3 MVP awards and 3 Finals MVPs.
He came into the league without a three pointer, he only made 7 in his rookie year. But he worked extremely hard and in the 1989-90 season, he hit 106 at an impressive 38.4%. When he training with the ‘Dream Team’ for the 92 Barcelona Games there was a well-known scrimmage between the members of the squad. On one side you had Jordan and his guys, on the other it was Magic and his team.
These teams went at it and it was a joy to see. If anyone on Magic’s team got scored on he would demand that they do it back to them. Losing simply wasn’t an option and that’s why he makes this list.
Just do everything with a smile on your face =).
11. Steve Nash - 6 hours
This is a stat line for some of the game’s greatest scorers. 50% from the field, 40% from the three point line and 90% from the free line. If you can achieve this then you are truly a threat from anywhere on the floor and have honed your craft to near perfection.
Steve Nash, all of 6 foot 3 and 195lb managed to do this 4 times in his amazing career. This dude looked like he should’ve been a lawyer or a doctor, instead he became at 2-time league MVP. For someone so small and weak, to be able to score that well means he must’ve just spent more hours than you can possibly imagine shooting again, and again, and again, and again.
10. Dwyane Wade - 6 Hours
Flash! Ahhh! He’s the savior of the universe! A classic rock and roll line if ever there was one. Again fitting with our saving the world theme. Wade is one of the most beloved NBA players in the game today and has been ever since he came into the league.
During his career, he’s repeatedly worked out with the GOAT of personal trainers, Tim Grover. Grover describes Wade as a ‘Cleaner’ which is the highest compliment that he can give. These are the guys who will stop at nothing to get what they want which is a success and Wade has won three titles because of it.
9. Dirk Nowitzki - 6 ½ Hours
The best shooting big man of all time, that title has easily been earned by Drik over his incredible 19-year career. This guy was a real lanky fella and yet he’s made it into the 50-40-90 club as well. He has about as much grace as a breeze block.
Just go and watch some Dirk Nowitzki highlights and the absurdity of the shots he takes and makes is mind boggling. He practices shots that only belong in a game of horse. Things like spin jump shots and his patented fadeaways require decades of practice for them to work consistently at the top level and Dirk won his ring in 2011 by doing just that.
8. Karl Malone - 7 Hours
Knock Knock, who’s there? It’s the mailman.
Karl Malone was LeBron James before LeBron James. 6 foot 9, 250lb he was a monster on the floor and ended up 2nd on the all-time scoring list. He also played a ridiculous 1,476 games in his career which is a testament to how hard he worked to keep himself in shape.
This guy would’ve been pumping iron like Arnold Schwarzenegger on crack. Don’t try to out muscle this guy, you’ll get destroyed.
7. Russell Westbrook - 7 Hours
I genuinely think that Russell Westbrook is crazy, like actually insane. How else could you describe him? You’ve heard it a million times, but him averaging a triple double is so special that we need to keep repeating it to ourselves again and again.
Just how do you think he achieved this God-like feat of strength? Hours and hours in the gym baby.
6. Kevin Garnett - 8 Hours
If there’s one guy in recent memory that you wouldn’t want to cross in recent memory, it’s Kevin Garnett. During his time with the Celtics, he was repeatedly criticized by commentators for being so intense on the court that he would sometimes cross the line.
KG was always wrapped up in his own world where winning came first last and every number in between. Go ask Karl-Anthony Towns about when he was with Garnett in Minnesota. If you didn’t meet the standards set by KG then you were dead to him, it simply wasn’t good enough.
KG made Glen Davis cry due to his intensity and it was very common for Garnett to arrive 2 hours before practice was scheduled just so he could get better.
5. Kawhi Leonard - 9 Hours
For someone so silent and quiet in his demeanor, it’s kinda funny how large and explosive his effect on the court is. Kawhi has the most boring facial expressions ever. He has no emotion whatsoever.
Maybe he’s a robot? Maybe he’s a Terminator sent back to the past, from the future, by Skynet to disrupt the NBA as we know it? It certainly seems like that his mission. Kawhi was destroying the Warriors in game 1 of the Western Conference Finals before he got injured. He was disrupting what everyone thought which was that the Warriors would sweep everyone.
Leonard has gone from a decent role player to borderline best player in the NBA in just a few years. This is the testament to how hard he has worked on his game over his career so far and implies that we have the best of Kawhi still to come.
4. Ray Allen - 8 Hours
Sugar Sugar Ray Ray. Jesus Shuttlesworth. It’s fitting that a guy named after the messiah is part of the plan to say the world. It’s like destiny or something. Fate, written in the stars. My boi, the all time leader in three point field goals, didn’t get to that position without a lot of work.
He just had to shoot, shoot and more shoot. That doesn’t make any sense grammatically but you get the point. Ray Allen’s motion was heavily dependent on the elevation on his jump shot meaning that he had to always be getting up shots in the gym to keep in perfect.
Allen once missed two free throws in a row in a game against Miami in 2009, so after the next day, he shot 145-150 at practice. That’s the kind of work ethic we look for.
3. Larry Bird - 8 ½ hours
This guy had the body of an old man before he even came into the NBA. Bird was anything like his surname; he wasn’t graceful, he was agile and he certainly couldn’t fly like a lot of more athletic players could.
So how did The Hick from French Lick become a top five player of all time? If you’re not thinking ‘hard work’ by now then there’s something wrong with you. Slow players have to be able to shoot to make it in the NBA, Larry Bird took that to the extreme. He was Dirk Nowitzki before Dirk had even picked up a basketball. Any awkward, funky looking shot you see Dirk take is one Bird was using in the 80s.
Again, you aren’t both with this, you’ve got to go out and earn it.
The incredible, the infamous Stephen A Smith has called out Brown many times over his career and rightly so. This guy played like he was high, all the time. He just never seemed to care at all which is why he doesn’t play anymore.
1. Kobe Bryant/Michael Jordan - Infinity
These last two are sort of tied as the top dawgs because they are both just remarkable human beings. I really think that even if their respective wives were begging them to come home, they would say send a text saying something like, “Families come and go, titles are forever.”
It’s the biggest 1-on-1 matchup we’d all pay to see. The two best shooting guards in NBA history battling for the title of the greatest ever. They should build a stadium on top of Everest for this matchup. That is the only place fitting for such a battle.
These two could power the machine by themselves they are that hard-working. It’s getting to the point where it’s just selfish of them now, even taking into account their retirement, if they don’t suit, stretch out and get to the gym now to save humanity.
Jordan and Kobe at the exact same time: "Family members come and go. Banners last forever.
They could really stay forever. Anyone got their numbers?